tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC September 9, 2016 1:07am-2:07am EDT
?? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back everybody, we're hanging out with ariana grande! [ cheers and applause ] her new fragrance, sweet like candy, is in stores now. ariana, you've been a guest on the show a lot, and so i thought it would be fun to play a game to see how well we know each other. would you like to play? >> i would love to. >> jimmy: alright, then it's time for the best friends challenge. here we go. [ cheers and applause ] ?? >> jimmy: now here's how the
then the other person guesses how they think you would answer that question. >> perfect. >> jimmy: we'll see how many we can get right. ariana, why don't you draw first question. >> okay. do i -- >> jimmy: yeah you can -- yes, you ask the question. >> i don't want to. okay. if i could be any animal, what animal would i be? oh so this is you guessing what i would -- >> jimmy: i'm guessing what -- if you could be any -- >> if i could be any animal, what which one would i be? and i write the real answer? >> jimmy: i write the real answer too. any animal, what animal would you be? okay. [ tick ] show your answer to the camera. i won't look. >> okay.
[ audience reacts ] >> jimmy: sounds like the audience was surprised there. okay. [ laughter ] my answer is a kitty cat. >> oh, that's a good one. >> jimmy: a sea horse? what are you talking about. >> i don't know. >> jimmy: a sea horse? >> i love them. >> jimmy: you wear like bunny ears -- you wear cat ears all the time. >> you're right. you're right. you're right. you get that one anyway. >> jimmy: seahorse? >> seahorse. you can't wear like seahorse ears, like what are those? like. >> jimmy: not saying -- you had to dre- that you like -- >> i know, sorry, man. >> jimmy: we're good. >> i really misled you, i apologize. >> jimmy: no here we go. we're good. ready? what food do i hate the most? >> oh. [ tick ] i don't know. >> jimmy: yeah, you do. i'm putting the vibes out there.
just writing it. all right. i'm going to show my answer. don't look. ready? oh, you didn't write yet. you just got it? >> yeah, because i -- go ahead. >> jimmy: you got my vibes? all right? you got my vibe? >> i think, maybe. >> jimmy: okay, this is great. >> go ahead you go. >> jimmy: don't look, ready? [ laughter ] >> i tried to look, but i'm blind, i can't see. >> jimmy: let's see what your answer was. >> what? >> jimmy: mustard! mustard? it's so delicious. it's yellow. it's got, like, spices in it, it's vinegary. mayonnaise. you know why i don't like it it reminds me of puffs. >> yeah, i don't like it either. >> jimmy: oh stop. yeah, every one loves it.
>> jimmy: you were very close it was a condiment. you're right. [ talking over each other ] ready? this is the one we're going to get. i know it. >> oh, my turn? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, here we go. i'll get this one. >> okay. oh, this is a good one. who was my first celebrity crush? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's a little embarrassing. it's a little embarrassing. stop it. oh, you know, stop it. [ laughter ] do i have to actually write it down? i mean, everyone kind of knows it was me. [ laughter ] yeah, yeah, yeah. ha-ha -- all right. >> okay. >> jimmy: maybe i'll show mine first. >> okay. >> jimmy: ready? don't look. [ laughter ]
?? >> is that bad? [ applause ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: let me tell ya something. first celebrity crush, jim carey. very close. i wary >> ha-ha. >> jimmy: this is the one that counts. all right. >> are you all right? >> jimmy: what is my most embarrassing bad habit? [ laughter ] why did you write it that fast? like all the other ones you really thought about it, and this one, look, you're writing, like, three sentences.
oh, my gosh! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'll show mine first. should i show mine first? >> yeah, yeah, go ahead. >> jimmy: embarrassing bad habit is? i laugh too much. >> no, i like your laugh. in that department. this is the one -- [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's right! cause i'm your second friend. i got ya girl! ariana grande everybody, ariana's going to perform, "side to side," for us later in the show. russell westbrook joins us after the break! [ cheers and applause ]
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all-star, and olympic gold medallist who made his loyal fans very happy this summer when he signed an extension with the oklahoma city thunder. he's here attending new york fashion week, in partnership with barneys and preparing to drop his "true religion" signature clothing collection september 25th. please welcome the talented and fashionable man, mr. russell westbrook! [ cheers and applause ] ?? ?? >> jimmy: welcome, welcome, welcome. >> thanks for having me. >> jimmy: thank you so much for being here. i really appreciate it. >> thanks for having me. >> jimmy: it is so fun to watch you play. i will say that. so thank you for all -- >> appreciate that. thank you. >> jimmy: we love you. we love you. and also, you're very fashionable. >> sometimes, yeah. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: you're the most fashionable guy by far -- >> thank you. i appreciate that. >> jimmy: in the nba, but i
>> jimmy: and you signed this new contract, which i'm just psyched about, we're all psyched about, because you're staying with the thunder. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: okc. that's just a big deal. and that's cool. and i know you love the community there. you love the fans out there. >> i love it, man. it's a great place to be, man. the people are so nice to me and my family. i love being there. the weather changes, but i love it, man. it's great. >> jimmy: you go bowling a lot, is that true? >> i do. i'm pretty good at it too. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, i heard that you bowl a 286? [ cheers and applause ] >> i h i >> jimmy: that's unbelievable. [ applause ] that's -- well, we -- i got you a gift. i thought maybe you might like this. >> oh, you got -- a gift? >> jimmy: yeah. this is pretty cool. >> oh, lovely. >> jimmy: you can take this -- [ cheers and applause ] nice. >> i appreciate that. >> jimmy: that's not bad, right? >> that's not bad at all. >> jimmy: it's so easy to take with you. >> i just packed it on the floor. >> jimmy: yeah, and it's easy to put on the plane. easy to put on the plane. [ laughter ] easy to put on the plane. here, just keep it. i'll mail it to you. yeah, yeah, sure. [ light laughter ] but i'd love to see you -- >> it's lovely. >> jimmy: it says throwing a a strike with this one. man, that'd be cool. >> and i'll send it to you, for sure. >> jimmy: you will? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah.
about, fashion week, you're here. you got so much going on. "true religion." >> yup. >> jimmy: all right, you're launching this new signature series there. now this is -- you do sweatshirts, you do jeans. >> yeah. >> jimmy: look at all the -- this is -- look at this. this is the type of stuff you roll up in. [ cheers and applause ] yeah, not bad. not bad. you see that? yeah. [ cheers ] i don't know if i could pull that one off. >> maybe. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, yeah, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] and this is just good. you know, because this is, [ cheers and applause ] you're a cool customer. >> that's pretty fresh, don't you think? >> jimmy: i love it. i think its good that you know charles barkley gives you a a hard time. >> who? [ laughter ] first time i hear it. oh, okay, okay. >> jimmy: yeah, he -- charles barkley, yeah. he said, what the hell, what the hell, was his quote on that. >> yeah, i know. >> jimmy: yeah. he's a good dude. he always -- >> he's always -- that's part of his job. >> jimmy: yeah. he puts you in -- he checks everybody, yeah. and these are some of the sunglasses you got here.
this is collaborated with a a young lady by the name of selema -- and framed with her as well. >> jimmy: selema, where can i get these guys? [ audience oohs ] >> oh, okay. >> jimmy: i'm not good with sunglasses. not the best. i mean, i -- >> they're online at westbrookframes.com, so you order them online right now. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: face too big. too much face here. [ light laughter ] looks like i'm wearing little kid sunglasses now. oh yeah, i could pull these off. >> good thing about it is we have a lot of options. >> oh, yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> okay. them are better. >> jimmy: i think these are the ones, right here. >> that works. that works. >> jimmy: is that the way i could do it? i could rock this out. >> i agree. >> jimmy: you also have jewelry as well? >> yeah, i have that too. >> jimmy: this is barney's? you can get these barneys new york? >> yeah, i collaborated with jennifer fisher. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. holy moly, moly. wow, oh, wow. i don't even know how -- can i, how do i put this on? [ laughter ] >> wait, wait, wait. wait, gotta go here. >> jimmy: ouch. don't hurt me. [ laughter ] >> don't bend it! don't bend it.
yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah. [ light laughter ] >> there you go. >> jimmy: how about that? [ cheers and applause ] >> fashion is pain sometimes. there you go. there you go. i like it. i like it. >> jimmy: charles barkley who? [ laughter ] charles barkley who, you know what i'm saying? also, in china, you launched a a new -- [ laughter ] that's how i wear it. >> that's the cool way. that's good. >> jimmy: that's the cool way to do it, right? >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: wearing sunglasses? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i don't know. this blocks the sun. yeah, exactly. in china, you worked with jordan, with the new line of jordan -- quest, you're going to freak out on this one. quest is -- he's a -- yeah, he's a sneaker head, but these are just gems, they're more like luxury -- >> yeah, i have a lot -- i have a lifestyle shoe -- just because it's faster, i like to change the game up a little bit, and one with lifestyle. [ inaudible ] [ cheers and applause ]
they are all jealous of these guys. there's the little -- right there -- come on, that's the way to do it. >> yeah, that would do it. that would do it, yeah. [ applause ] >> jimmy: you do all this. >> i do. >> jimmy: and you're amazing at basketball. you're a very, very talented guy. >> thank you. i appreciate that. >> jimmy: but i was wondering if tonight since football season kicked off, then they'll put these ones on, and i'd like to challenge you to a game of football team game tonight. are you good at football? >> i'm not bad, i'm pretty good at all sports but sure. let's do it. [ laughter ] >> jimmyss i are having a random football toss after the break. stick around, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ?? this one's got detachable keys it comes with a pen so you can write as you please this mac doesn't have any of that it's less useful like a hat for your cat surface has touch and a beautiful screen
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i'll have that goat cheese garden salad. that gentleman got the last one. sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. can i keep the walnuts? sold. but i get to pick your movie. can i pick the genre? yes, but it has to be a comedy. a little cash back on the side. with the blue cash everyday card from american express, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. throw. it's more than cash back. it's backed by the service and security of american express. it's time for some straight talk. most wireless companies offer no-contract plans, but getting a new phone... usually means getting locked into a contract. there's a better way! with new straight talk plus, get a samsung galaxy s7 for as low as thirty-one dollars a month, no contract. cancel any time, no penalties. it's time to ask yourself... ...why haven't i switched? add our unlimited plan... ...on america's largest, most dependable 4g lte networks.
cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back! check him out. can you see him? look at these guys. come on. that's what i'm talking about. [ cheers and applause ] >> looks good. that looks good. that looks good. >> jimmy: i'm here with five-time nba all-star and point guard for the oklahoma city thunder, russell westbrook, once again, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] these are his sneaks -- these
tonight. so russell and i are about to go head to head in a random object football toss. now, we're going to take turns tryingthrowing random objects through the hole in that target back there. tonight's objects are a a mannequin head wearing the latest fashion because it's fashion week. we have a giant gummy worm. [ laughter ] we have a purse full of skittles. [ laughter ] and the money ball worth two points, it's two furbies glued together. you think you can to do well on this one? don't answer. okay, very good. [ light laughter ] roots, can we get some football tossing music. russell, why don't you go first? >> what do i start with? >> jimmy: lets start with the mannequin head. ?? pretty, right? >> where do i throw from? here? where? >> jimmy: yeah, right here. that one. >> this spot? >> jimmy: no, this line. invisible line, there. yeah, you got to see how to do it. it's tricky. >> you have to style her first you throw her. >> jimmy: yeah, you style it
throw it, yeah, yeah. ?? [ audience oohs ] [ applause ] >> oh! that was close. >> jimmy: here we go. happy fashion week! ?? [ audience oohs ] oh. that was embarrassing. all right -- now, this one, i don't know how you're going to throw this one. [ cheers ] i don't know how you're going to do this one. all right. hey, slow down there. watch it, buddy, watch it! slow down, mister. oh, yeah, that's a good idea. yeah. >> can i go underhand? >> jimmy: yeah, you can go underhand with that one. ?? oh! [ audience aws ] ?? [ light laughter ]
>> jimmy: i know, yeah. all right. purse full of skittles. purse full of skittles. >> open or closed? >> jimmy: i feel good. that's your call, open or closed, that's up to you. we give people the freedom of choice here. you're allowed to do it -- oh, that's smart. [ cheers and applause ] ?? >> oh! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i thought you had it closed. all right, purse full of skittles. here we go. [ ?? all right. [ audience aws ] >> hang on, let's see what i have. >> jimmy: all right, double furby. [ cheers and applause ] double furby. >> jimmy: try to wake it up a a little bit. >> yeah.
now it's awake. >> oh, we got action furby. >> jimmy: yeah, he's on. he's on. blue furby's going. [ cheers and applause ] >> oh! >> jimmy: come on, furby, don't let me down. [ cheers and applause ] ?? >> oh! >> jimmy: it's a tie, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] the winner, russell westbrook! >> next time. next time. >> jimmy: russell westbrook, ariana grande performs with uss after the break. stick around, everybody! [ cheers and applause ]
[ cheers and applause ] ?? ? i've been there all night ariana ? ? i've been there all day nicki minaj ? ? and boy got me walkin' side to side ? i'm talkin' to ya see you standing over there with your body ? ? feeling like i wanna rock with your body and we don't gotta think 'bout nothin' ? ? i'm comin' at ya 'cause i know you got a bad reputation ? ? 'cause you give me temptation and we don't gotta think 'bout nothin' ? ? these friends keep talkin' way too much say i should give you up can't hear them, no 'cause i ? ? i've been there all night i've been there all day and boy got me walkin'
? i've been there all night i've been there all day and boy got me walkin' side to side ? ? been tryna hide it baby what's it gonna hurt if they don't know ? ? makin' everybody think that we solo just as long as you know you got me ? ? and boy i got ya 'cause tonight i'm making deals with the devil ? ? i get me in trouble just as long as you know you got me ? ? these friends keep talkin' way too much say i should give you up can't hear them no cause i ? ? i've been there all night i've been there all day and boy got me walkin'
? i've been there all night i've been there all day and boy got me walkin' side to side ? ? this the new style with the fresh type of flow wrist icicle ride bicycle ? ? come true yo get you this type of blow if you wanna minaj i got a tricycle ? ? all these bitches flows is my mini-me body smoki young nicki chimney ? ? rappers in they feelings 'cause they feelin' me uh, i give zero and i got zero chill in me ? ? kissing me copped the blue box that say tiffany ? ? curry with the shot just tell 'em to call me stephanie ? ? gun pop then i make my gum pop i'm the queen of rap young ariana run pop ? ? these friends keep talkin' way too much say i should give you up can't hear them no
? i've been there all night i've been there all day and boy got me walkin' side to side ? ? i've been there all night i've been there all day boy got me walkin' side to side ? ? this the new style wrist icicle ride bicycle ? ? come true yo get you this type of blow if you wanna minaj i got a tricycle ? ?? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, come on! ariana grande! [ cheers and applause ] "dangerous woman" is available now. my thanks to ariana grande, russell westbrook, the roots!
?? [ cheers and applause ] ?? >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- molly shannon. from "other people" writer director chris kelly. political commentator cenk uyger. featuring the 8g band with fred armisen and nate morton. ?? [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen,
>> seth: good evening i'm seth meyers, this is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] great to hear. in that case let's get to the news. a new poll released yesterday shows hillary clinton with a two point lead over donald trump nationally, putting her safely at a two. [ laughter ] republican vice presidential nominee mike pence broke with his running mate yesterday, saying that unlike donald trump, he does not doubt that president obama was born in hawaii. though interestingly, pence refused to respond when asked if it was true that he was born in lego land. [ laughter ] hillary clinton released several new spanish-language campaign ads yesterday. though i think she might be trying too hard to connect with hispanic voters.
group has announced it is taking giant pandas off their list of endangered species. which is good news for pandas, but great news for, crazy seth's panda emporium. that's right, crazy seth's panda emporium is back in business and it is pandamonium over here. we got your panda meat, your panda-mite, your panda belts, your panda paw necklaces. we've even got stuffed pandas doing karate, crickey! so hurry down mate, and get your pick of the pandas now. seth gets his paws on them pandas, they'll be totally endangered and so will these prices. we're going to eat those pandas. [ applause ] a man in australia was caught last week smuggling a half a million dollars worth of cocaine in his stomach in sidney airport.
cost him over a million if he bought it at the airport. [ light laughter ] how about a stomach full of cocaine. a new study suggests that starchy-ness should be added as a new taste to the five basic tastes that human can detect, said one researchers wife, next like it. [ light laughter ] a food festival in los angeles has announced they'll be holding a seminar on cooking with marijuana. the way it works is, you put a frozen pizza in the oven and then you find it the next day when you wake up. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] >> and finally while responding
heart of ohio's amish country this past weekend, police arrested more than 70 people for underage drinking. one teen drank so much that he was caught driving home from the party at speeds up to four miles per hour. ladies and gentlemen, we got a great show for you tonight. from the new film, "other people," our friend molly shannon is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] we'll also be joined by the new co-head writer of "saturday and director of "other people," chris kelly. and he is the executive producer of "the young turks" on fusion, cenk uygur is here tonight. [ cheers ] so i'm looking forward to talking to him about the election and everything else that is going on. guys, let's be honest, 2016 has been a very strange year. to the point that sometimes you hear a news story and you think, that cannot possibly be true, which is why tonight we're go through some of those hard to believe stories, in a segment
?? [ cheers ] >> seth: president obama expressed some concerns recently, about philippines president rodrigo duterte vigilante style justice system and this is how duterte responded on monday. >> you must be respectful. do not just throw away questions and statements. [ speaking foreign language ] >> seth: that actually happened. the president of the philippines called barack obama a son of a whore. it's the worst thing anyone has called a upr someone accidentally referred to george w. bush as jeb. or since churchill called franklin roosevelt a rolling back of dicks. [ light laughter ] you know what else actually happened? a world leader gave a speech in a windbreaker. [ light laughter ] are you a dictator or a nursing home casanova? excuse me is that seat taken? no i'm asking i have cataracts i can't see. and that wasn't even the
because the president arrived in china on monday for the g-20 summit, and when he did, chinese officials refused to roll out the red carpet staircase that normally greets air force one so he was forced to exit from the belly of the plane. creating a situation so tense it ended with chinese and american diplomats screaming at each other on the tarmac. that actually happened. we had an international incident with a major nuclear power over stairs. and i hope the chinese can get their act together, because the next guy is going to want an escalator. now back at home, the presidential race is closer than ever and donald trump needs all the minority votes he can get. so he travelled to detroit on sunday, to attend service at a black church, where he executed the most terrifying baby kiss in campaign history. [ laughter ] that actually happened. and if you think the baby looks unhappy there, you should have seen her when he was done.
am i supposed to vote for donald trump because of the baby? no, apparently you're supposed to vote for him because of a cloud. on saturday donald trump's lawyer michael cohen, tweeted that photo saying in case anyone is unsure as to who will be our next potus the lord has chosen the people's messenger. i can't stress enough, that actually happened. a lawyer thinks god is endorsing donald trump via cumulonimbus. hillary clinton has been endorsed by living presidents, members of congress and prominent bl weather. which is surprising given his position on climate change. >> you know, you're not allowed to use hairspray anymore because it effects the ozone. you know that right. so if i take hairspray, and if i spray it in my apartment which is all sealed, and you're telling me that effects the ozone layer? i say no way folks. no way. >> seth: you know, i'm not sure what's worse, a violent dictator insults our president, or
but i can tell you one thing, that actually happened. ?? we'll be right back with more "late night" everybody. [ applause ] ?? this one's got detachable keys it comes with a pen so you can write as you please this mac doesn't have any of that it's less useful like a hat for your cat en you can see things like they've never been seen this mac doesn't quite compare it's slower, heavy, and a bit square fold it in half, hello when you start lighter than air, you can doodle a heart yes it's plain to see the surface pro 4 is made for me initiating retrieval sequence. target acquired.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody please give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also joining the 8g band this week he is the fantastic drummer from the house band on nbc's "the voice." who's 11th season premieres monday, september 19th right here on nbc, please say hello to nate morton right over there. [ cheers and applause ] for more nate watch "the voice" and be sure to check him out on facebook. so good to have you here nate. thank you for being here. >> thank you. >> seth: also you guys check it out fred armisen right over there. yeah. i'm so happy when fred's back around we love to talk one of the things we talk about the most is television. we love television, we love making it, we love watching it. i always complain to fred that i can't -- my problem is i can't watch all the new tv shows. there's so many new tv shows. fred always says i lack commitment because he claims he watches every television show, every episode of every television show out there. do you stand by that? >> fred: absolutely. >> seth: okay, because if it was a lie, if you were just saying it to impress me now would be
now would be the time to admit that you're making that up. >> fred: seth. [ laughter ] >> seth: okay, that means it's time once again for "fred armisen's extremely accurate tv recap." [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: so if this is true, if you've really seen everything i'll name the show and you'll tell me what it's about. >> fred: okay, great. >> seth: the show is "gomorrah" from on sundance. >> fred: on sundance? do you know it? have you seen "gomorrah"? >> seth: no. >> fred: you don't know "gomorrah"? >> seth: no. >> fred: oh, the pilot, you've seen none of it? >> seth: no, i hno >> fred: nothing? >> seth: no. >> fred: it's so -- it's really good. [ light laughter ] it's well scripted. the script is great. so, the dialogue is very -- it's like subtle but long. >> seth: okay, you haven't said anything yet that makes me think you have seen this show. >> fred: i've seen the show so much. so, it's like a sort of futuristic -- there's these futuristic pills that propel you in further to the future. so these people in the future --
future and people take pills and go further into the future. >> fred: further into the future. way, way beyond. and so they're like, we were already in the future. how are we this far away from present tense? >> seth: sorry, so the characters were aware they were in the future? >> fred: yes. they're so aware of it. look at all of these futuristic things around us. this is incredible. everything's so fast. >> seth: see, now it seems to me that they would think that's the present for them. >> fred: it's not my show. [ laughter ] if you watch it you'll make sense of it. i don't know, this is what the story is. so they're that far in the future and they're like i can't believe things are even faster. they're so blown away by the speed of everything and so each episode -- it's so well written. it's very well written. just like the right kind of dialogue and the right kind of futuristic words and the accents are even futuristic. >> seth: what is a futuristic accent sound like?
>> seth: in the future -- in the future people have scottish accents? >> fred: seth, watch the show. i don't know. and it's great. great characters. and very beautifully shot. >> seth: great. >> fred: you know? >> seth: now according to this, "gomorrah", is a drama exploring the dark web of crime, loyalty, and sacrifice at the heart of the camorra. the brutal and neapolitan crime organization. >> fred: in the future. [ laughter ] >> seth: okay. give it up for fred armisen everybody. [ applause ] if you had a chance to look at the paper this morning you might have seen there was a new study on migrating tree frogs and this is -- excuse me. i'm sorry, i could be wrong here but i think i smell some smoke and that can mean only one thing, it's time for -- "ya burnt!" [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome to the burn zone! we got a lot of topics to sizzle through but not lot of time. over here is the burner, let's
whoo hoo hoo! gadzooks! all right, first up, anthony weiner, i've seen your penis so many times i'm starting to confuse it with mine. [ laughter ] come on man, your wife works all day deleting hillary clintons e-mails only to come home and find your direct messaging your schlong to the new york post. [ light laughter ] also, i want to see a dick that used to be a new york politician i'd look at a picture of rudy giuliani, side burn rudy. >> side burn. >> seth: anthony weiner sorry buddy, but three strikes ya burnt. laguardia airport, thanks to ongoing renovations there's so much traffic getting there that people are being forced to get out of their cars on the highway and walk to their terminal. at this point you'd get to cancun faster if you just marry a mexican and wait for president trump to deport you both. [ laughter ] and laguardia, you locked down the title of worst airport decades ago, stop punching, the fight is over.
what can you possibly be renovating? are you trying to add more hair covered ice cream cones to the floors of your restrooms? you know you're a bad airport when people say i think i'd rather go to newark. laguardia airport, your airport coach should be brn because ya burnt. [ applause ] russian hackers, how many of you are there? is hacker the only job you guys offer in russia? like every guidance councilor in the country is like i see you enjoy puzzles and mischief, have you considered becoming an internna and listen up hackers, i got something personal to say to you. please don't hack me. just hack other people. there's plenty of freaks and weirdos out there. hack them. hack the weirdos, don't hack me. don't hack me. russian hackers, ya burnt. [ applause ] back to school shopping. why do kids have to buy a new backpack every year? did they [ bleep ] in the last one? and what's more fun than trying on jeans for mom while she asks the salesgirl if they look a
don't worry mom i will grow into them. eight times a day, every day until the hellish march of puberty comes to a close. but dude for real, you got to pick out the perfect first day outfit because if you don't look cool no one will have sex to with you. it's all about the shirt. never mind the acne colonizing your face or the fact that your voice sounds like someone is punching you in the throat. >> puberty is a bitch. >> seth: let's face it, summer rules, school drools. go back to school shopping, ya running mates. hey mike pence and tim kaine, just sit the rest of this election out. no one cares what you guys have to say. you are human yogurt. you could switch places and literally no one would notice. mike pence you look like the cop who arrested teen for underage drinking and tim kaine, you look like the dad that has to pick up that teen at the police station. [ light laughter ] running mates, let me run this
[ buzzer ] ah, that buzzer means we run out of time, looks like i'll have to burn you scam artists the next time-out. this has be "ya burnt." [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with molly shannon. ?? alright, how's this for a tv show. sous chef. lawyer by day, prep-cook by night. no. sloppy joseph. a middle-aged man who's trying to get his life together, but he can't - he's to sloppy. huhhh - no! here you go. i got this. i get cash back so it's like everything's on sale. with the blue cash everyday card from american express you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. everything's on sale! a home shopping show takes place on a sailboat. that's the one! banana boat dessert on me. look at you being all lactose tolerant. it's more than cash back. it's backed by the service and security of american express. it's more than cash back. we are the tv doctors of america.
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>> "late night with seth meyers" is taking the show to washington d.c. at the warner theater the week of october 10th. for tickets and more information go to latenightsethtickets.com. [ applause ] >> seth: welcome back everybody. our first guest tonight is a very funny actress and comedian who you knes saturday night live. she stars in the upcoming film "other people" which opens in select theaters friday. it's also available on video demand and itunes. please welcome back to the show the lovely molly shannon. ?? [ applause ] >> seth: hi!
>> it's so nice to see you too. >> seth: i saw your movie last night it was fantastic. >> oh my god. >> seth: and i want to talk about that but we were also talking backstage you have an 11 and 12-year-old. >> yes. >> seth: i am a new parent now. 5 months old. >> i know. >> seth: very fun. >> ash. >> seth: baby ash. he's great. >> oh seth. >> seth: but do you remember back now, that you have --i mean you have little adults now. do you remember back when they were newborns and how you were as a parent? because it's trippy when all of a sudden you have a baby that you have never had before. >> it is. it really is. i remember when i, let's see --when my son was first born my daughter was -- she's 18 months older than my son. but when my son was born i did a part in "marie antoinette" sofia coppola's movie. >> seth: yeah. >> and i really want to do it so i went to work when my son nolan was only two weeks old and i remember i had to wear the make up with the big white wig and white face and i remember nursing him and he looked up like who is this lady? that is weird. and trying to get -- and it was so funny. >> seth: out of all the people i